In two days time, it’ll be Valentine’s day. In two weeks time, I’ll start grinding for class again. In two months time, I’ll be deciding where to go to law school. Yet, as I sit here on my computer and reflect on how life went for me this past week, I can’t help but say Fuck that.
Last Thursday, I had an anxiety attack. I had just been waitlisted by all three of my top law school choices, and felt worthless. I had a major Mock Trial tournament the next day, and felt completely unprepared. I had not payed attention in any of my classes, and felt like it was impossible to catch up. And I craved the attention of a girl… a girl that I had thought was not interested in me. Despite the obvious fact that none of my woes were particularly serious – let alone life threatening – I found myself screaming into a pillow, pulling my hair out, and curled in a ball struggling to take a deep breath. I felt like my life was in a dark tunnel, and the light was nowhere to be seen.
And within a week, I crushed it in that tournament, going undefeated. I caught up in all my classes and made stronger connections with my professors. I was offered a full ride at an incredible law school. And I reached out to that girl, only for her to reach right back out. As it turns out, the light was right around the corner.
If you had told me, on that lonely Thursday night, that this is what my week would look like… I would have laughed. And had I not changed my perception on handling life, none of this would have happened either.
See, I have spent my college years consistently living in the past or the future, and never in between. I have regretted past choices and harbored anxiety for those I am yet to make. I have collapsed into depression and convinced myself that there exists no way out but down. Is ignorance truly bliss? I would ask myself. Would life be easier if I were dumber? Less socially aware? Less ambitious? Would I be able to better tolerate failure if I could not understand its consequences and impact on my future?
The easy answer is yes. Yes, my life would be less painful if I didn’t have any of the “gifts” God gave me. Ambition, intellect, and social aptitude are anything but free – they come with the price of overthinking and self doubt. Where I can recognize opportunity enough to plan out how to seek it, I can also recognize failure enough to plan out how to avoid it. And failure sucks. Rejection sucks. Comparison sucks. Living life with the three of them on the back-burner is mentally taxing. Cue the depression.
But here lies the flip side; a less painful life is not a more fulfilling one. It is not a better one. Or even an easier one. These “gifts” allow me to dream and pursue my dream. They allow me to see beyond what I am currently capable of, and into what I can be capable of. And they allow me to prioritize – to sacrifice for my dream and not fall victim to self-indulgence and lack of discipline.
But how do I live life relishing in the positive? How do I appreciate the gifts I’ve been given and how do I rid myself of the fear of using them?
Throughout this past week, I learned that the answer is to live in the present. Forget what is yet to come; you’ll cross that bridge when you get there. And certainly forget what has already happened; you cannot change that. To live in the present is to be engaged in what you can do. It is constantly challenging yourself, making a game out of finding your limits – and realizing that they are much further away than you’ve imagined.
When that Mock Trial tournament started, I convinced myself to not think about law school admissions. Not. One. Bit. That weekend was reserved for my performance, and I was ready to get a kick out of how well I can do with the “lack” of preparation I believed I had. Challenge #1.
When Monday came along, I convinced myself to focus purely on catching up with classwork. I was ready to get a kick out of how much work I can finish in so little time. Challenge #2.
When Tuesday arrived, I convinced myself to reach out to this girl. Time to formulate a game plan, draft a text, and let myself be smooth. Challenge #3.
Now comes Wednesday. Instead of regretting what I didn’t add to my applications back in October, I set out to find creative ways to supplement my applications now. Prioritize, plan, and think outside of the box. These LOCI’s are about to get me off these waitlists and into the admitted students pool. Challenge #4.
With this attitude, I felt hungry again. I started asking myself what I am capable of again. And for the first time in a long time, I started dreaming that the sky is the limit.
So, it’s just before Valentine’s Day. I can worry about all of the LOCI’s I have to write, or the classwork grinding I’ll be doing. I can worry about the tough choices that lie ahead concerning law school, or the crucial parts of my applications I didn’t spend enough time on.
Or, I can say Fuck that. I can enjoy living in the present, and taking my “gifts” out for a joyride. I think I’ll do that.
The Raven 